I hated myself. It’s hard to say it out loud, but i hated myself.
I hated my legs, I hated my hips, I hated my eyes, I hated my arms, I hated my skin, I hated my nose, I hated my back, I hated everything about me. I couldn’t find a thing I liked about my body or myself in general.
We, women, are forced to believe we need to have a thigh gap to be sexy, we can’t have wide hips because having curves is ugly, we can’t have fat in our tummy or legs because that’s gross and shows you’re unhealthy, we need to shave because no guy will like us with a hairy body and the list goes on and on. And you still expect me to be always happy and smiling? I feel I can’t even breathe without being judged.
I was bullied in high school and told I was fat on a daily basis. All my imperfections were constantly pointed out and I, slowly, became my worst enemy.
I started avoiding looking at myself naked in mirrors and I began to be ashamed of myself to a point where I always covered my body as much as I could. I told myself I’d never be happy with who I was and I’m not lying when I say many days I skipped dinner thinking that way I’d have a flat stomach the next morning. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights I can’t even remember a day I fell asleep instantly. I even remember praying and asking God to make me a different person.
Saddly, I had no one to help me get over my insecurities. I only had one friend at high school who had no idea what I was going through, just like my family. But you know what? You don’t need anybody. You just need yourself. You can be your own hero.
It sure isn’t an easy path, but who said life was going to be easy anyway?
You have to look in a mirror everyday and say ‘I look beautiful’. You have to force yourself to compliment every part of your body you used to hate until you start believing it. You have to wear whatever you want and feel comfortable in your own skin. You have to be proud of yourself and learn how to pick you up after being down. You have to walk without feeling you’re being analyzed by everyone. You have to forgive yourself. You have to be the friend you’ve always needed. You have to ignore what others think and care about what you think of yourself.
I’m not going to deny I don’t like my body some days, but I’m also going to admit I feel better with myself now. I still tell myself ‘Oh, you have some fat over there’ or ‘You could be fitter’, but I’m still learning. Life is about never stop learning. Now at least, I know I’m on the right track. I feel pretty, healthy, comfortable and most importantly, myself. I’ve never felt more myself. Loving myself was the best decision I’ve ever made.
One day I just decided to stop being my enemy and became my best friend instead. And I’m so glad I did.
(This post was inspired by one of my best friends’ post who is also one of the most inspiring people I know: Josi. I’d encourage you all to do this and if you don’t want to take pictures, just write about your experience in loving yourself. Also thank you to my tumblr followers/friends for helping me learn to accept compliments. I sure wouldn’t be who I am without you.)